Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
