omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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