i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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