We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
