it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
