i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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