my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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