I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
smell my finger.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
