He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
