What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
