seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
