He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Drunk is a universal language darling
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
