We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
