just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
