ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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