Apparently you make a good broom.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
