I'm gonna have a badass scar
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize