Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
