how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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