i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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