You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
