Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
