my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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