i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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