Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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