he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
