I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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