Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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