summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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