Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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