I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
