I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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