loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
