i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
