Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
