Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
