things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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