Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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