I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
