Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
