I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
