i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Everclear isn't food dammit
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
