Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
