she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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