separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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