I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
