The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Randomize
