His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize