last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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