nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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