Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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