i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
