At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm too high and old for this...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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