I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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